Ode to Mandul

Brian Brake. 1950s

I have always been a man susceptible to stupidity. In my house, tales are told of my stupidity. One time, during a wedding someone sent me to buy 25 kilos of paneer, I came back with 25 kilos of Dahi. At moments like these, someone would usually quick, “tchay ne’nay mandul chatith, tchay tari nee fikri! Someone would cut off your ass and you wouldn’t notice.” It is a nice Kashmiri way of saying, ” You so dumb!” I never understood why Dodhwol, or anyone, would be interested in cutting off someone’s ass. However, I understood one thing clearly over the years: if there’s one thing Kashimiris value more than their brain, it is their ass. Mandul, the ass, is intrinsic part of conversations in Kashmiri. You can’t talk to a Kashmiri without him pointing to the ass. You could be discussing black holes seriously using arguments from Stephen Hawking, and someone would respond with, “Tchay chay ni Mandlitch paaye! You don’t know ass!” End of discussion.

Why is Mandul so central to Kashmiri conversations? Why is Mandul center of Kashmiri lingual anatomy? Mandlu is even a Kashmiri surname! And it is seldom erotically used while speaking. Even though we have a 9th century Kashmiri poetess named Vikatanitamba, (vikaTa=horrible, nitamba=buttock) who wrote erotica.

The Mandul is mentioned in old Kashmiri sayings like:

However, in general language Mandul is used more freely.

[Behiv manḍüjü karith, ti boziv. Sit on you ass and listen]

Here’s a little list of ways in which Mandul is invoked in Kashmiri language, often in our intelligent discussions about Kashmir:

mandul ne’nay chatith

You are so dumb, someone would cut off your ass and you wouldn’t even notice.

Following two are best discussion enders

Tchay chay ni Mandlitch paaye


You are trying to sound intelligent but you don’t even know your own ass

If you want to go next level, say

Mandals chui Ghiss lore

There’s shit on your ass and you can’t even see that

Or, vunyi chuy Mandul oudruy

Your ass is still wet. Yet are yet to come of age, yet talk big.

Or even,

Mandul ye chalith

Wash your ass. You stink.

These lines are usually used if someone has got


Mandlas Kijj

Itchy ass. Deployed if a person is trying to be smart ass.

Or

Mandlas Kyom

Ass inflammation

Mandul woshlun

Ass gone red like monkey

Mandul Asmanas gasun

Bending down.

Mandlas Pyeth kaduss preth

Kick on his ass

To avoid it all, you need

Mandlas aaych

Ass that has an eye. Be super smart.

-0-

Nabas Mandul Havun

In rural Kashmir, among Pandit families involved with farming, if one wanted to make rains stop, one would pick a kid and face it’s shining ass to the sky. Yes, that would make the rain stop. Indra Dev be happy. One of those Kashmiri things. They would mock the gods: “We are not afraid. My kid washes his butt with your rain!”

-0-